What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 06:49
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And i lived it daily.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She was in good health!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
It was going to be , some day.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As i do to all so called friends.?
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We all went to grammer schools
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But it wasn’t much.
She found it foreign!.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
What are your darkest taboo confessions?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We were not on the streets..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Saepe maiores nam debitis sequi corporis quasi quasi dolores.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She married twice! .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Comes on , in middle age.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He resisted the act ,that day.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Was to survive, this bastard.
My family never makes their pension either.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
What did i know ?
My life is so biszare .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im still living with it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She loved him until the end.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Would this be the day?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
All the time i was locked up.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was scared of men, in general
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I don,t even have a pension.
This is soul school!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But ive been too sick for many years..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I could never make a relationship work though!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One cannot live in the past .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He knew the spot.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So, i spoilt her more .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I waited trembling.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Ive learnt so much.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Who then, do I blame.?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I have no regrets .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
When she asked me how she looked .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I think the readers, may guess!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I said to her
So whats the point in blame.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I was 9 years of age.
Put me off passion for life!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But, we were locked up after school.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I will be 64.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I write beautiful poetry .
She wouldn,t have been !
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why did i forgive my father ?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was seconnd youngest,
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was very sick at this time too.